For all those with a sense of humour, Enjoy the Season of Love!
Cupid,Yeah, it’s me again. Notice there’s no “dear”? That’s because I hate you. You know why? Because you suck, that’s why.
First of all, I’m not happy with your reply to my last letter. Let me refresh your memory:Let it go, man! Can’t you wait?! And who writes to Cupid?! I mean, really.
I wrote you a very sincere and humble letter, and that’s what I get?! Snark from a naked midget archer?! And what the fuck’s your problem with people writing you? Santa Claus doesn’t mind. He gets all kinds of crap during Christmas, and it’s Jesus‘ birthday! You’d think Santa would tell every stupid kid to write the lord and not him, but fat boy takes it like a man! He takes in whiny letters and he still gives people gifts.
You’re too lazy to listen to what people want, and you shoot them with fucking arrows! I figured if Santa can take in letters on Jesus’ birthday, you too can answer desperate calls for intimacy on Kris Aquino’s birthday. Look what you made me do! You just made me compare Kris Aquino to Jesus!
Dude, all I’m asking is one shot. You haven’t shot me in, what, 2 years? That’s a fuckin’ long time to be loveless! Yeah, I said it. L-o-v-e-l-e-s-s. I’m not talking about shallow relationships here. I’m talking about warm thoughts, fearless risks, passionate exchange of ideas, merging of destinies, and all other bullshit you can only think of when you’re drunk as your Tito Boy. For once, give me a happy Valentine’s Day.
You know what, come to think of it, even when I had significant others, I’ve never had a happy Valentine’s Day.
02.14.2002 - The object of my affection laughed at me because I was wearing red. I wasn’t aware that red shirts are freakin’ punchlines on Valentine’s! Nobody tells me anything around here!
02.14.2003 - I was torn between 2 lovers. You’d think that was a huge ego booster, but it was the ugliest feeling ever when I had to choose between them.
02.14.2004 - Vowing to be happy as a single guy amidst all the couples of the world, I convinced several of my friends for a group date in Libis, not knowing that back in UPLB, someone would have made my night a whole lot more special.
02.14.2005 - Cool off period with my then girlfriend. On Valentine’s Day! It was also the birth of my inner chain smoker.
02.14.2006 - Still with the same girl, but the relationship was on the rocks already. Two straight years of a sucky Valentine’s with the same girl: 1.) Expose wrist. 2.) Slash.
02.14.2007 - Two words: Tear. Gas.
02.14.2008 - Slept all day. Woke up at around 7 pm. Went to my call center job at around 9 pm. And not even one hottie on the floor! See?
This year, I’m not expecting anything since, you know, tomorrow’s Valentine’s Day and I have absolutely no plans whatsoever. Now, I know you don’t control stuff because that’s God and Satan’s job, but since your naked ass is plastered everywhere during Valentine’s, I’m assuming you have something to do with this elaborate charade.
I’m just wonderin’, can you just shoot a really cool, open-minded, intelligent, and hot chick sometime this year? So that next year, on Valentine’s Day, I wouldn’t be this sad sack of emo watching TV and eating ice cream.
Do this, and I shall forget all the crappy Valentine’s Days I’ve had in the past. Don’t, and I shall dropkick you in the face!